The Ramblings of a Strange Little Pixie

I really am not liking my job right now. I talked to my preceptor and the deal was to give me one patient to focus one and then go from there. I’m not learning anything by having four patients. It’s too much! Apparently she believes in the sink or swim method because yesterday she said that I was taking all four. I’m tired of this job already. I feel like the dumbest person alive because I’m not catching on. She keeps telling me to pick up the pace but how the hell am I to do that when I have to look drugs up and actually think about what I am doing. I’m overwhelmed. The floor really isn’t that bad in reality but what’s bad is when your a brand new nurse and it takes time to think about what I’m doing. I just feel like I’m going under. I was looking forward to going to work. Now I just feel like walking out.

I read two interesting books. I haven’t read or watched movies in such a long time. The first was Standing Alone in Mecca: An American Woman’s Struggle for the Soul of Islam by Asra Nomani. I checked this out at the library not really knowing what to expect but I really enjoyed it. It was a real eye opener.

The other book is Islam Our Choice: Portraits of Modern American Muslim Women. I found the stories of conversion truly amazing in this book. It’s amazing how one person can show someone the beauty of Islam.

I watched the Namesake the other day. A really touching film. I can’t wait to read the book. It’s a little slow to get into but I feel that the wait is worth it. I’m in the middle of the Lake House right now and I’m loving this movie! I want to finish it before this weekend. I have to work this weekend. Blah…

I got my first paycheck and all I can say is wow. I did splurge a little. I bought a couple of small things for the apartment and joined the gym. I really need to start going again. I’m packing on the pounds. They had a great offer to join and I really liked the place so I bit the bullet and joined.

I need to start getting back into the wedding planning mode. I had to take a break but I have to get back into it now. Next payday I buy my dress!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I still have to sign the contract with the photographer. My mom is going to pay for that for me. That takes a little of my budget.

My task for the day are to tackle my mountain of laundry, vacuum and mop and purge and organize my files. They are a mess!

Time really does fly. I mean where did my weekend go? Hell, where did Monday go?

I had my last gyn/ob appointment today. He told me that I shouldn’t wait too much longer to start trying to get preggers. I told him that I was going to start once the wedding reception was over with. I never thought I would be one of those unlucky women that might have a problem having a baby. Conceiving, I can do. Let’s just hope the next one will attach it’s self to the right place and stay in place, insha’allah. He was very cool and gave me three packs of birth control as samples. Very cool since that saves me at least a $180.

I’m making fish tonight. Baby’s mom is cooking but I told him that I already went to the store and I’ve got my menus planned for the week. I need food to take to work. I hate eating at the hospital. I’m also trying to eat healthier because I have gained way too much weight. I actually went to the gym yesterday and I’m planning on joining this weekend. When I get paid. Oh, how I love that. When I get paid.

I’m not so sure about this whole precepting thing. I’m not sure it’s going well. I’m going to give it this week and I might have to speak to someone. I just really feel a little lost and not like I’m getting anywhere. I guess I’m suppose to feel that way but they do thing differently on my mom’s floor. I mean they didn’t even have a preceptor for me. They just looked at the schedule and set me up with someone. Weird, eh?

I need to start reading blogs again. I seriously haven’t read anyone’s since September. September!!! How crazy is that? Guess I just have been a tad bit overwhelmed with life you might say.

 My new kitty is getting so big. I’m going to have to download the gazillion pictures I have of him. He has become quite the little love bug. And still a little Tasmanian devil. I actually caught him climbing the door the other day. He will climb anything.

Well, I’m off to finish some laundry and get ready for work tomorrow. Wish me luck!

The Good:

I was able to sleep in today and I’m enjoying a nice greasy hash brown and cinnamon melt. Yeah, I know very bad but oh so good!

Job is going well so far, insha’allah. I LOVE it!!!!! I really don’t think I will stay on this floor for more than two years but oh, I love being an R.N. Even with mean doctors and not so nice patients. Thursday I had nothing but sweet and nice patients. Why can’t they all be like that?

I have 4 days off. Count ‘em four! Right in a row!

I’m finally not having any more weird aches and pains in incision area.

I just found out that my medical bill is paid for. Was scared because insurance wasn’t started when I went into the hospital  and was scared because it would put me in way over my head. Prayers were answered.

I got to spend the whole day with baby. Hung out at the mall bought some new workout shoes, saw the most adorable kitten. I’m going to give myself until Friday and if he is still there I’m getting him. Spirit needs a playmate. If I don’t get one now I’m not getting anymore. We also went and hung out a bit with the family and had a nice dinner.

The Bad:

Wedding. That’s all I have to say. I have learned that to keep my my mouth shut when it comes to the wedding. I’m tired of every one’s opinion!!! This is why I had the nikkha first because I knew this was going to happen. So I just smile and kindly say who’s paying? Yeah, thought so.

It’s just so annoying because I have people telling me what dress I should wear, food, colors, favors, who should be my bridesmaids, blah,blah, blah! I put my foot down on the reception place. My first choice was vetoed by baby but he loved the second place. I love the second place to but not dear MIL. The place she wanted was a place that her stepdaughter used. WTH? Why would I want to use the same reception place that someone else in the family has already used? Not to mention that I didn’t trust the guy who I would have to work with.

My apartment. It’s a wreck and I really need to spend the day cleaning, purging some stuff and catching up on laundry.

The Ugly:

The ignorance of people. Really people don’t be ignorant. That’s why there’s Google. If you don’t know look it up! Don’t be afraid of the unknown, inform yourself. Until then don’t expect me to tolerate your ignorant self because I won’t.

The dumb things people say that are suppose to make you feel better. Please don’t tell me it was part of god’s plan that I lost my baby. Please don’t tell me it that it’s OK that I’ll have a baby, I have plenty of time. Not the things that I want to hear and don’t sugar coat the situation. Big possibility that I might not have a baby and I don’t need the false reassurance. I know people mean well but people expect that I should be OK now. Well, it’s not that simple. It hurts, plain and simple. I have to say that my sis has been really great during this. I’m lucky to have her.

with more hugs and more fuzzy kittens…..

<a href=”http://icanhascheezburger.com/2008/01/06/funny-pictures-hug/”><img src=”http://icanhascheezburger.files.wordpress.com/2008/01/funny-pictures-kitten-hug.jpg” alt=”Funny Pictures” /></a><br />moar <a href=”http://icanhascheezburger.com”>funny pictures</a>

Bask in the cuteness!!!

Then I’m going on the floor Friday. HOLY CRAP. Um, why did I want to be a nurse????????? I’M SCARED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

My prayers go out to the missing Georgia hikers family and friends tonight. I was praying that they would find her alive. I just don’t understand how someone can take another person’s life. It’s just heartbreaking that one act can change so many people’s lives……

Tomorrow I have to be a productive member of society once again. I have been cocooned in my apartment for the last four weeks. I have ventured out here and there but not very much.

I find myself crying at the oddest moments and hope that this will pass soon. I don’t think it’s something that I will get over anytime soon. I’m taking it a lot harder than the miscarriage that I had in April. I guess the miscarriage was easy to accept because I didn’t even know that I was pregnant. But to know that you are pregnant and that it’s not going to develop is just hard to accept I guess. Everyone says it’s wasn’t the right time and it was God’s will. Yes, I understand that but it doesn’t take the pain away does it? Everyone expects me to be over this and I guess it just isn’t that simple to me. The thought of never having a baby never crossed my mine till now.  I know that I don’t need to be mom to be complete but I want to be a mom. The thought of it never happening hurts.

So tomorrow I have errands to run and I have to stop by employee health to get cleared for work. Now I have to be a nurse. CRAP.

I enjoyed myself last night. It was peaceful and relaxing. We ate dinner, which came out great by the way. I just grilled up some steaks, made some mixed veggies and garlic mashed potatoes. I even let the kitties have some steak. I bought a small new year’s cake for dessert and I was bad and had a piece with breakfast this morning. But I figure I should start off the day with something sweet!!!

So I’m making some new year’s resolutions this year. They are the basic cookie cutter kind but they are things that I really need to work on!

1. Stay in better touch with people

I feel that I have been neglecting friends and family and I’m going to change that. More calls, emails and cards out to those that I’m far away from. More visits to those that are near.

2. Get back into shape.

I need to start eating better. Ever since Nursing school my diet has gone to crap. So I’m trying to cut out the junk and processed foods and start cooking more. I also will go back to working out more. Of course I can’t do that yet but once the doc says it’s ok, hello gym!

 3. Climb my way out of debt.

All I can say is damn medical bills. I owe a lot of money it is all medical related. Ugh.

4. Learn some new things and take chances.

I need to get out of the rut of just going through the motion of life and start living again!

5. Get organized

My apartment is a wreck. I have no clue to wear anything is. I’m starting with my closets today. I’m going to be ruthless!!!