The Ramblings of a Strange Little Pixie

It has been one week since my kitty passed and I’m somewhat adjusting to the fact that he isn’t here. I wonder when I will ever stop missing him. I use to think that about my other animals and the ache to hold them finally disappeared. But I had him the longest so I wonder how long?

I also have one week and I will take my NCLEX. I’m calm yet scared. Does that make any sense? I have my schedule all figured out. I have plans tonight and I don’t feel like going but I must. Blah. I didn’t get has much studying in yesterday as I would have liked to but I was so exhausted yesterday. I haven’t been eating well and I guess it just caught up with me. My diet for the last week has been so bad. I’ve been surviving on watermelon, soda, chips and ice cream. Yeah, HEALTHY! But those are the only things that I can get down. I’ve lost a pound which isn’t too bad. I lost five when nana passed. Nana always loved Caesar. I hope he found her. She loved that cat. She loved big, fat tomcats.

I took out the trash and it is so nice outside. I wish it would stay that way. It has been so freaking hot. I’m ready for cool weather already!

I woke up late today. I was planning on getting an early start but I didn’t sleep well last night at all. I have a whole day of studying ahead of me. I told everyone not to expect anything from me until my exam is over with. I am going to a friends dinner tomorrow night. It’s his birthday and he converting to Isalm tomorrow. It’s a bummer that I’m unable to go the masjid to hear it but that’s just how things worked out.

I was able to get up and function today. Today was better for me but not Shakey. He just keeps looking for him. He even went to the vacuum cleaner to check for him. It’s heartbreaking.

I got in some really good study time today and I’m going to try to answer some more questions tonight. I just need to take a little break. I feel so numb.

I know people must think I’m crazy to be so upset over a cat but I guess that’s just the way I am. Caesar just wasn’t a cat to me. He was my family and at times the only one who ever understood me. He was there through many bad times. I got him when I was 19 years old and had just moved into my own apartment. I had recently lost my kitty and I vowed that I would never get another one because I missed her so. But I was in this studio apartment all by myself and very scared and lonely. So what did I do? Yep, I looked in the classifieds for free kittens. I remember thinking I wanted another kitty like my precious Hemingway, who was a female by the way, but fate would intervene. I called and was told there was a female cat that resembled my kitty. I rushed over with one of my girlfriends and ran into the kitty I wanted as she was leaving in the arms of another. I was heartbroken. She was the exact replica of Hemingway. The lady said that I should look around, another might catch my eye. I looked and was ready to leave without a kitten until he walked into the room. It was love at first sight. Well, at least on my part. He ran straight to his mama cat! He hide for two days and I was so hurt because I thought “great, my new cat hates me!”. But that wasn’t the case. I was awoken by a headbutt given my a very cute and very hungry kitten. From that moment on I was mama. And so our family began…..

Me and Shakespeare are trying to adjust to not having Caesar around. I have been giving him extra love and attention and trying to stay in routine. Yesterday was actually a good day for me. But today not so.

I got up early and me and baby went to pick him up at the vet to drop him off. I just had a country burial instead of a formal burial. The country burial there is not plot, ceremony or casket. They are just put in the ground on a piece of land in the cemetery. I bought him a plaque to put on the wall. She let me have sometime with him. I had to say goodbye one last time. It was so hard. I miss that bugger so much.

I’m starting to feel somewhat better. I have only cried a couple of times today which is an improvement. It still hurts but I think the shock is finally going away. I thought I heard him meowing this morning as I was waking up. That broke my heart.

I was productive and got through my emails, was able to clean my apartment and do a load of laundry. I spent some time playing with Shakey. Baby bought the boys a sports cube but the only one to get in was Caesar. Shakespeare never used it. I found him sleeping in it today.

Baby said we are going to look at kittens Sunday. I’m not sure if we are ready to bring in a new family member but we are just going to look. I’m going to spend the rest of the evening studying since I can finally concentrate again.

I’m sure the few people that actually read this are going to cringe because yes, I’m going to be still talking about my cat. I’m going to call today to make arrangements today. I really had a rough morning yesterday. I just couldn’t stop crying and just thought I wasn’t going to stop. It hurts so much. I have this hole in my heart and I don’t think it will ever be filled.

Shakespeare isn’t handling this will at all. He keeps walking around the apartment and looking at me “like what have you done with him?”. It hurts. I was able to sleep last night. The hardest part is just waking up and knowing he isn’t here. I still have the habit of checking his spot to see if he is still there but of course he isn’t.

I have been looking at kitties online because I am going to get another cat. All the literature says that you shouldn’t go out and get another cat because you will have all these expectations. But I don’t. There will never be another cat like Caesar. He was one of a kind. From the moment I saw him I fell in love with that cat and we just had a special bond. I don’t ever expect to have that again. I guess that’s why it hurts so much.

I’m going to try hard to get back into my routine. I have 10 days till my exam and I will be even more depressed if I don’t pass. I have to pass. There is no other option. Hopefully I can keep from breaking down today. Wish me luck.

Guilt is a horrible feeling. I keep asking myself what if? What if I had taken him to the vet earlier. Why did I just assume because he was eating he must be alright. How could I let this happen when I’m a nurse? Why did I let this happen?

I think Caesar hadn’t been well for a long time. Denial. It’s what keeps us from the pain of thinking that there could be something wrong and we might lose the one when love. I think the hardest part is just not knowing what happened. He was doing great and then boom, he’s gone. I all I kept thinking about is why? Which I shouldn’t I shouldn’t ask why. Because Allah has a plan and who am I to question. I know he is a better place. He is with my dog Sampson and my kitties Hemingway and Tom-Tom. I know that they will welcome into the family with open arms. Because they too were great animals. I will never forget him just like I never forget them. I still mourn for them after all this time. Strange but they were all so much like Caesar. Hemingway was a momma’s girl too. Sampson was the best dog ever. I haven’t been able to get a dog since him. He was it for me. I got him when I was 13. He was a German Shepard and he was the best dog ever.

I took a benadryl to help calm my nerves because I couldn’t stop crying. I don’t take death well at all. I’m just going to sit in front of the tv and orgainze my pics and memorabila into boxes by year. I need a project and I can’t study right now. I will get my head back into the books tomorrow, insha’Allah.

Tomorrow I will make arragements for my beautiful baby to be put into the ground.

Sorry for all the spelling mistakes. Spell checker isn’t working for some reason.

I know that my post have been depressing and I’m sorry for that. I just really need to work on this. I feel I have this hole in my heart and it hurts so much. I never thought the pain would be this great. I know that there wasn’t anything I could have done to save him but I just keeping thinking what if.  I keep expecting to see him everywhere. It’s so hard because he wasn’t a cat that kept to himself. He was a mama’s boy and followed me everywhere I went. I just which I could get rid of this pain. I miss him so much. Shakespeare keeps wanting to go out looking for him and keeps looking for him in the apartment. That’s really breaking my heart. I just can’t believe he is gone.

It was so hard to get up and dressed yesterday. I couldn’t read, watch tv, nothing. I mangaged to get the apartment cleaned up but it was so hard. I drove around a bit just to get out and I came back and it was miserable. I ended up going to my MIL to get out of the house. It doesn’t feel like home anymore. It doesn’t feel right at all. The hardest part is just coming home and not seeing him at the door waiting for me.

 I put up some his things so it wouldn’t be so hard. I’m trying to give Shakepeare extra love and attention. I’ve left the patio door open so he can go out whenever he wants. I usually don’t do that in the summer because of the heat but I guess I just want him to be happy.

The hardest thing is eating. I didn’t eat breakfast and didn’t eat until 2pm and it was only a breakfast bar. I did manage to eat some grapes and dinner at my mil’s last night. Everytime I eat I feel like my throat is closing on me.

I feel like I’m crazy for grieving this much but I loved him so much. I got him when I was 19 and I just moved out on my own. He basically was with me as I found adulthood. I just can’t believe he is gone.

He was so cute. He was a pain because he always tried to eat my broom and I had to hide all rubberbands because they would be in his tummy in no time. But he had this way of cuddling that was so sweet. His purr could be heard across the room and he was famous for his head butts. He loved food and if I was eating he had to have a taste of whatever it was. There wasn’t much that he didn’t like. He loved chicken curry and ice cream. I called him the fastest cat in the east because he was super fast at catching stuff and no bug or lizard was safe from him. He had no desire to go outside and explore. He was content just staying inside and being around his mommy. He would follow me around and just talk to me. He had this cute habit of meowing and holding his sock in his mouth if he thought he was alone. He hated being alone. I hated leaving him there all by himself at the vet. I know it’s just his body but it was so hard. I just want my kitty back.

Waking up was so hard because I knew there would be no headbutt, no meowing and Caesar wouldn’t be waiting outside the bathroom door waiting for me.

I had a really rough morning thinking of all the things that I could have done differently and maybe he would be here. The doctor said that he had a stroke and some point and that he could try saving him but there was no guarantee. It was the hardest thing I have ever had to do. I miss my boo-boo.

Shakespeare doesn’t understand. He keeps going to the door and sleeping in Caesar’s spot which is killing me.

I talked to my sis, who use to work in a vet clinic and she said that I did the best thing. But it’s just so hard. What made me feel better was mom telling me about the dream she had about him last night. I guess he was running around playing and she asked him if he was happy and he just meowed and gave one of his famous headbutts.

I don’t want him cremated so we are going to have him buried in a pet cemetery. I’m not doing a plot or anything like that. I just want to know he will be in the ground.

I really don’t believe in soulmates but if I did he would be mine. I miss you Caesar. You were a wonderful companion baby doll and I will never stop missing you.